Unifying Values
Clashing Values
Hard work, generosity, and self-sufficiency. Those are the three top adjectives that define my perception around money. Growing up I never thought that much about money. It was just always there—and plenty of it in my family. I wouldn’t consider myself spoiled-- my parents never over-indulged my wants or wishes. But, I never experienced a sense of lack. We lived in beautiful homes that were tastefully decorated by my mother. My parents drove Porsches and Mercedes. We took vacations every year to Hawaii and the Virgin Islands. My parents were hard working, self-sufficient baby boomers and business owners. But at the same time, they somehow modeled a strong work ethic, generous living, and a humble modesty. Some of their success was merely good fortune. My dad was lucky enough to buy a small business when he was 30 years old and he amassed enough money to retired at the age of 47. He has spent the last 33 years of his life enjoying the fruits of his labor—traveling and pursuing his hobbies and dreams.
When I met my husband, I became acquainted with a very different value system around money. My husband’s parents lived (and still do) scraping by one paycheck at a time. My husband tells stories of needs going unmet until payday and groceries being charitably dropped off on the family doorstep. My in-laws work hard (they are still working as they approach 80 years old) and they model a generous lifestyle. But the kind of generosity they believe in often comes with great sacrifice. My mother-in-law has confessed to me her regrets about their lack of saving and prepping for their future. But to my mother-in-law, saving money feels like hoarding from others who might be in need.
Even though my husband and I grew up in such opposite worlds, we found it easy to merge our family values around money. We have leaned into our commonalities—a strong work ethic, a generous mindset, and a desire to provide safety and security for our children and for our own future. We are good partners in that regard.
Four years ago, we invited my in-laws to join us for a picnic on Easter Sunday. On our drive home, I sat next to my mother-in-law in the backseat of our van. She openly shared some of her uncertainty about their future and finances. She wasn’t trying to manipulate or engender sympathy. She was speaking honestly, but her words overwhelmed me. It wasn’t until that moment that I fully realized the effect that my in-law’s lifelong choices around money were going to have on my future. I heard a voice whispering inside of me, and it said, “She has given away everything to everybody for her whole life—now it’s your turn to give something to her.”
I made a decision on that car ride home that I would not withhold and that my lifestyle of hard work and generosity would extend to my husband’s parents. In 2020, we embarked on a project to extend our home and build an apartment on our property so my in-laws could live comfortably and safely within their very small means.
At times, I’ve had to put aside my resentment that their values have crashed into mine and caused me to make sacrifices that I don’t want to embrace. But most of the time I feel grateful. I am thankful that my family system and my money values prepared me to be a daughter-in-law who has the means and ability to love and honor two people who have always shown me acceptance and kindness.